Radio Silence
Yes, I am breaking radio silence now. I was chastised by Peter Glen for not blogging. Mike Peck has given up on me. I am a failure, now confirmed by a test I took regarding "techno savviness." I received a "5", which makes me "computer illiterate."
I knew this though.
So the News. I don't have any really. Which would be the reason for my long silence.
But I'm in the News business, so I'll scrape something together -- after all, what is the News business all about if not make non-newsy things seem newsy.
EXCLUSIVE : Local man makes plans to attend motorcycle rally, plans fall through
Above: A woman with large breasts drinking a beer. This is what Hagadone would have seen had his plans not fallen through.
SANDPOINT, Idaho __ When Sandpoint resident Zach Hagadone, 24, made plans to attend the famous Sturgis Harley-Davidson rally in Sturgis, South Dakota last week, he didn't know that it wouldn't happen.
"I wanted to go to Sturgis, kind of a 'slice-of-life' thing, you know," Hagadone said. "It was kind of a long-shot, but I figured I could make it work. Bip over there on Monday, then slide back around Thursday or so. Didn't happen."
The tragic falling through of the plan was attributed to several factors -- not the least of which was Hagadone's consistent money problems.
"I'm one poor sonofabitch," he said. "But still, I figured I could scrape together enough change to buy at least four burritos and a case of Budweiser. That should do it right? Not quite."
Hagadone's intention was to make the 1,400 mile round trip journey as part of his struggling illustration career. A life-long cartoonist, Hagadone is working with another local man, Ben Olson, 24, to compile a series of comics detailing the pair's travels.
"The project is sort of a post-modern trek through the soulless void of American popular culture. The character is named 'Max Manchester' -- an amalgamation of both Ben and my personalities as we trip through these weird situations. Kind of an existentialist superhero thing. Sturgis would have been great material," he said.
Though the Sturgis-Trip (as it's being called in media circles) fell through, Hagadone is undaunted and said the project will continue.
"There's always more weird stuff to check out. I think we're going to the Testicle Festival inMontana
Sandpoint publisher issues statement: "Nothing is new here"
SANDPOINT, Idaho __ Area residents took the news with a tone of mild boredom yesterday when local newspaper publisher Zach Hagadone issued a statement that he's just "Towing the line. Not much is new around here."
The announcement came on the heels of a month in which nothing much happened in Hagadone's life.
"I've just been coming to work, finding stories for the paper. Nothing big to report. Then I've been bartending on the weekends. That's pretty fun, but, you know, nothing new," he told reporters Wednesday from his trash strewn office onCedar Street
Experts agree that Hagadone's life has indeed been
uneventful. When asked how his engagement to Danielle Packard, publisher of Sandpoint's literary journal, The Ides, was progressing he remarked, "The wedding is a long way off, we haven't really been doing much planning lately. Too busy just keeping up with work week to week. You know how it is."
Packard was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the couple said Hagadone's assertions were true.
"Seems like not much has changed since they decided to get married," said John Reuter, co-publisher in Hagadone's newspaper operation. "I'll be excited for the wedding, when I can do my famous Greek whirling dance. I plan to get pretty trashed. Bwaaag shiggidy boo!"
Indeed the uneventful nature of Hagadone's life looks to continue for some time, though one plan on the horizon may change that.
"I'm going toSeattle
Beyond theSeattle
"After that, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Probably more work, I need to save money," he concluded.
Exceptionally large gas station burrito gives area man intestinal problems
SANDPOINT, Idaho __ A "really f-ing big burrito" consumed by Sandpoint resident Zach Hagadone caused a storm of intestinal upset in the early hours of Tue. Aug. 9.
"I don't know what the hell happened," he told reporters Wednesday from his bathroom. "I eat one of these things like three times a week. This has never happened. Maybe I didn't defrost it enough."
Called "The Bomb", the offending burrito is a staple at Paul's Chevron station at the corner ofCedar and Fifth.
"Seems kind of weird, maybe it was a bad one. Can one of these things rot? I mean, they're frozen right? Are they even organic? I don't know these things," Hagadone remarked.
The Bomb is produced by Don Miguel, ofAnaheim , Calif.
"I love those things. Good God, that's half of all I eat! I especially love The Bomb Chimichan
ga variety. But if every time I eat one I have to spend the night on the toilet, I'm going to have to reevaluate," he said.
According to the Don Miguel website (www.donmiguel.com) The Bomb "capture[s] the essence of restaurant style and flavor using premium ingredients and authentic seasonings. Each burrito and chimichanga is meticulously hand-rolled in a traditional hand-stretched tortilla with generous filling, like lean beef steak strips, real cheese and fresh vegetables."
Hagadone, though he continues to maintain his support of Don Miguel's products, doubts the veracity of these claims.
"You've got to be kidding me. I love The Bomb and all, but 'real cheese and fresh vegetables'? That's a joke. These things were produced for one reason and one reason only -- so people can eat a one pound burrito for less than three bucks. It's called 'The Bomb' for chrissakes. Maybe I was asking for it," he said.
Don Miguel could not be reached for comment, but the website goes on to claim Don Miguel himself has no intention of suspending The Bomb's production.
"I travel the world over looking for new and exciting authentic foods and spices. I bring these ideas back to the kitchen, take off my sombrero, put on my chef hat and work with my friends here to prepare the best tasting foods for you... Buen Apetito!"
As of press time, Hagadone was still suffering the after effects of his run in with a bad Bomb.
"I don't know when I'm going to feel better. Not that I'm blaming Don Miguel or anything, like I said, I love those things. I just wish there was a warning on there or something. I don't know. I need to get some more t.p.," he said.
Sad to say that's probably all I've got.
I hope that brings everyone up to speed.
Quote for the day:
"Down there is a war zone. You can do whatever the fuck you want... people get naked and there's not a damn thing the cops can do about it. ... I saw three people having sex on a picnic table. They just looked at me and kept right on going."
"What time of night was it?"
"Night? It was about three in the afternoon."
I knew this though.
So the News. I don't have any really. Which would be the reason for my long silence.
But I'm in the News business, so I'll scrape something together -- after all, what is the News business all about if not make non-newsy things seem newsy.
EXCLUSIVE : Local man makes plans to attend motorcycle rally, plans fall through
Above: A woman with large breasts drinking a beer. This is what Hagadone would have seen had his plans not fallen through.SANDPOINT, Idaho __ When Sandpoint resident Zach Hagadone, 24, made plans to attend the famous Sturgis Harley-Davidson rally in Sturgis, South Dakota last week, he didn't know that it wouldn't happen.
"I wanted to go to Sturgis, kind of a 'slice-of-life' thing, you know," Hagadone said. "It was kind of a long-shot, but I figured I could make it work. Bip over there on Monday, then slide back around Thursday or so. Didn't happen."
The tragic falling through of the plan was attributed to several factors -- not the least of which was Hagadone's consistent money problems.
"I'm one poor sonofabitch," he said. "But still, I figured I could scrape together enough change to buy at least four burritos and a case of Budweiser. That should do it right? Not quite."
Hagadone's intention was to make the 1,400 mile round trip journey as part of his struggling illustration career. A life-long cartoonist, Hagadone is working with another local man, Ben Olson, 24, to compile a series of comics detailing the pair's travels.
"The project is sort of a post-modern trek through the soulless void of American popular culture. The character is named 'Max Manchester' -- an amalgamation of both Ben and my personalities as we trip through these weird situations. Kind of an existentialist superhero thing. Sturgis would have been great material," he said.
Though the Sturgis-Trip (as it's being called in media circles) fell through, Hagadone is undaunted and said the project will continue.
"There's always more weird stuff to check out. I think we're going to the Testicle Festival in
# # #
Sandpoint publisher issues statement: "Nothing is new here"
SANDPOINT, Idaho __ Area residents took the news with a tone of mild boredom yesterday when local newspaper publisher Zach Hagadone issued a statement that he's just "Towing the line. Not much is new around here."
The announcement came on the heels of a month in which nothing much happened in Hagadone's life.
"I've just been coming to work, finding stories for the paper. Nothing big to report. Then I've been bartending on the weekends. That's pretty fun, but, you know, nothing new," he told reporters Wednesday from his trash strewn office on
Experts agree that Hagadone's life has indeed been
uneventful. When asked how his engagement to Danielle Packard, publisher of Sandpoint's literary journal, The Ides, was progressing he remarked, "The wedding is a long way off, we haven't really been doing much planning lately. Too busy just keeping up with work week to week. You know how it is."
Packard was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the couple said Hagadone's assertions were true.
"Seems like not much has changed since they decided to get married," said John Reuter, co-publisher in Hagadone's newspaper operation. "I'll be excited for the wedding, when I can do my famous Greek whirling dance. I plan to get pretty trashed. Bwaaag shiggidy boo!"
Indeed the uneventful nature of Hagadone's life looks to continue for some time, though one plan on the horizon may change that.
"I'm going to
Beyond the
"After that, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Probably more work, I need to save money," he concluded.
# # #
Exceptionally large gas station burrito gives area man intestinal problems
SANDPOINT, Idaho __ A "really f-ing big burrito" consumed by Sandpoint resident Zach Hagadone caused a storm of intestinal upset in the early hours of Tue. Aug. 9.
"I don't know what the hell happened," he told reporters Wednesday from his bathroom. "I eat one of these things like three times a week. This has never happened. Maybe I didn't defrost it enough."
Called "The Bomb", the offending burrito is a staple at Paul's Chevron station at the corner of
"Seems kind of weird, maybe it was a bad one. Can one of these things rot? I mean, they're frozen right? Are they even organic? I don't know these things," Hagadone remarked.
The Bomb is produced by Don Miguel, of
"I love those things. Good God, that's half of all I eat! I especially love The Bomb Chimichan
ga variety. But if every time I eat one I have to spend the night on the toilet, I'm going to have to reevaluate," he said.According to the Don Miguel website (www.donmiguel.com) The Bomb "capture[s] the essence of restaurant style and flavor using premium ingredients and authentic seasonings. Each burrito and chimichanga is meticulously hand-rolled in a traditional hand-stretched tortilla with generous filling, like lean beef steak strips, real cheese and fresh vegetables."
Hagadone, though he continues to maintain his support of Don Miguel's products, doubts the veracity of these claims.
"You've got to be kidding me. I love The Bomb and all, but 'real cheese and fresh vegetables'? That's a joke. These things were produced for one reason and one reason only -- so people can eat a one pound burrito for less than three bucks. It's called 'The Bomb' for chrissakes. Maybe I was asking for it," he said.
Don Miguel could not be reached for comment, but the website goes on to claim Don Miguel himself has no intention of suspending The Bomb's production.
"I travel the world over looking for new and exciting authentic foods and spices. I bring these ideas back to the kitchen, take off my sombrero, put on my chef hat and work with my friends here to prepare the best tasting foods for you... Buen Apetito!"
As of press time, Hagadone was still suffering the after effects of his run in with a bad Bomb.
"I don't know when I'm going to feel better. Not that I'm blaming Don Miguel or anything, like I said, I love those things. I just wish there was a warning on there or something. I don't know. I need to get some more t.p.," he said.
Sad to say that's probably all I've got.
I hope that brings everyone up to speed.
Quote for the day:
"Down there is a war zone. You can do whatever the fuck you want... people get naked and there's not a damn thing the cops can do about it. ... I saw three people having sex on a picnic table. They just looked at me and kept right on going."
"What time of night was it?"
"Night? It was about three in the afternoon."
7 Comments:
Damn you. You didn't inform me you were coming to Seattle. That is my new hood. Give me a call when you are here. We must hang.
Seeing as I am going to eventually be a medical doctor I would like to offer my perspective on the unfortunate incident with said “The Bomb.”
First one must take a look at the main ingredients of this burrito. Beans, cheese, and tortilla seem to be the main components, which then begs the question, what could bring about such catastrophic bowl distress? Based on the information in the report I suspect that Mr. Hagadone’s bowels were under the influence of a large amount of lactose contained in the seemingly harmless "Velveeta-esque" cheese.
Mammals are unique in that they have mammary glands devoted to the production of milk for their young. Human milk is especially unique in that it has the highest concentration of disaccharide lactose. Humans have elaborate systems to digest diary products. The enzyme lactase (EC 3.2.1.23/62) is a membrane bound enzyme located in the brush border or microvilli of the small intestine. This enzyme is responsible for the breakdown of lactose into its constituent monosaccharide, glucose and galactose. These sugars then travel the lining of the small intestine.
In an ironic twist of nature as high as 75% of the world’s population is intolerant of dietary lactose. This can lead to a variety of symptoms that may have been experienced by Mr. Hagadone. These typically include diarrhea, abdominal pain, flatulence and nausea. One rather crude test that a particular biochemiostry professor once told us is to drink a few cups of milk then lock yourself in a closed room. If you pass out from noxious gas you may have a deficiency in the enzyme.
With a lack of enzyme or efficacy the undigested lactose in the colon is digested by bacteria which in turn release a variety of gases including hydrogen which is also used a s a diagnostic test. These gasses can be particularly odiferous and as is well known hydrogen is highly flammable. While Mr. Hagadone thought his crisis was limited to himself, he was likely a threat to those around him.
The gene encoding lactase is located on chromosome 2 and is synthesized as a preprotein with five domains: : signal sequence domain, proprotein domain, enzymatic domain, membrane spanning/anchor domain and a hydrophobic C-terminal domain located in the cytoplasm. The signal and proprotein sequences do not appear in the mature enzyme. Mr. Hagadone could have a missing signal and propeptide.
What we must ascertain is the lineage of Mr. Hagadone to ascertain if this enzyme deficiency is a potential cause of said ailment. It is estimated that 90% of northern Europenas are lactose tolerant. It has been theorized that these people are tolerant because of a fair complexion and the need to adequately produce enough vitamin D. Inheritance patterns tell us that lactase deficiency is inherited as a recessive trait so we must first genotype Mr. Hagadone’s father and mother. Indeed an exhaustive pedigree would be constructive.
As far as diagnostics, we must have Mr. Hagadone ingest approximate 50 g of lactose and measure his blood glucose levels (remember the break down of the disaccharide) and see if he has general abdominal discomfort. The gastric distress is caused by bacteria which ferment the lactose and produce lactic acid and short chain organic acids plus methane (remember the especially odiferous smell), carbon dioxide and hydrogen gas. The hydrogen gas is then absorbed by the intestinal lining and passed to the blood where it is exhaled via the lungs. We can test his breath for hydrogen. A rather hickish test would be to see if Mr. Hagadone exhibits explosive “blue darts.” This is achieved by having Mr. Hagadone expel gas upon a lit flame. If the flame explodes with an abnormal fury he may be lactose intolerant.
Now Mr. Hagadone claims to have a steady diet of Don Miguel without much gastric distress. I believe that in this case several potential factors were at play. Here are my theories:
Theory 1: The burrito was not manufactured to standards and had too much cheese. This would cause an increase of lactose and subsequent gastrointestinal distress.
Theory 2: The burrito was not manufactured to standards and contained bacterial contaminates which caused a slight case of food poisoning.
Theory 3: The ailment was idiopathic.
Theory 4: This is probably the most likely. Mr. Hagadone’s excessive alcohol usage and late night smoking has caused a gradual but steady destruction in the microvilli brush border leading to a subsequent decrease in the amount of lactase enzyme produced.
Whatever the case we would recommend plenty of fluids and a cessation of smoking with plenty of rest. We here at the University of Washington School of Medicine are concerned about the health of this prominent Idahoan and suggest he take a temporary break from the enticing foodstuffs of Don Miguel. We hope to launch a probe into this situation to ascertain if others are at risk.
Even though you are indeed a failure (in many respects), your posts never cease to amaze me. They are like a large digestional flushing; forceful, stinky, yet quite refreshing when they are all said and done.
Here's to you Don Miguel and your 1lb bomb.
All I can say is...send me a 1lb bomb and do it now!!!
Ah yes, flatulence, unhealthy eating, and morose, sarcastic ambiguity…this smacks of the good ol’ days.
Calmer than you!
No matter how bad Zach's burrito experience the gas can't be as bad as Mike who single handedly performed the whirlwind of death into the window of macman's car. I am still in awe of that moment.
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